I'm sad

 I'm not depressed. 

But I'm sadder than sad.

I'm gutted. I'm not pregnant. There's something wrong with my body, despite my efforts to be healthy. I'm broken. And I'll never be a mother.

Maybe I'm just rotten to the core and I don't deserve children. It's my punishment for being such a shitty human for the better part of my youth. 

And yet, I watch people, people I love, people who weren't trying to get pregnant, having babies constantly and by accident. And I'll be 37 in two months. And I'm getting old and it's going to just get harder. 

I never even knew that I wanted children. But I fell pregnant by accident myself when I was 31. And I had a miscarriage. And I worried then, that there was something wrong with me. Before the miscarriage, after the shock of this unwanted pregnancy had settled, I started to see my life as a mother. It was beautiful. And then I was robbed of all the possibilities that it could lead to. And it was taken forever. 

I'll be empty forever.

Tears I cannot cry because no one can understand a loss that doesn't exist.

Oh, how my heart aches.