Robbed of decision

 I've had to fork out a lot of cash for medical bills these past 3 months. So much so, that doing the necessary bloodwork to check if my hormones are imbalanced (to see if this is why I'm unable to ovulate) is too costly. I've had multiple tests, scans and bloodwork done. It's set me back quite a bit and finding out that I have a hormone imbalance would require treatment. The tests to find this out and the treatment would be unaffordable right now. Never mind the cost of being pregnant or having a child.

So I wait? I wait. 40 is around the corner. I still want to feel angry because if anyone should be allowed to pro-create, it should be my husband and I. We're both intelligent humans and I believe we'd raise our children to become valuable members of society. It's a little upsetting to see people falling pregnant by accident and it's very upsetting to hear people say to me "don't have kids, trust me, you're better off" when they already have them. They think they're trying to comfort me. They're not. 

Our sex life is pretty bleak at the moment too. Notwithstanding the fact that I've just been too busy with exams and work, my husband has been experiencing difficulty. It's been coming for some time and where I've mentioned it before, it's been received as a sore topic. More recently, with the discovery of my infertility and me having a bit of an emotional breakdown about it, my husband seemed to be more open to discussing his issue, and he even went to the doctor to get treatment. Therefore, I think we should get my exams out of the way, and then we can work on getting our sex life back on track first. If we get that right, then maybe we can look at doing more tests so that I can get treatment. No point in paying for all that if we're not having sex anyway...

I'm not going to set my heart on being a mother anymore. It's hard to type that. My heart is still sore. But I have my husband who I love with all my heart. If I have him, I'll have everything I need. And maybe, one day we can consider adopting. There are too many children out there who have no one. 

We'll see how this story unfolds. 

I'm sad

 I'm not depressed. 

But I'm sadder than sad.

I'm gutted. I'm not pregnant. There's something wrong with my body, despite my efforts to be healthy. I'm broken. And I'll never be a mother.

Maybe I'm just rotten to the core and I don't deserve children. It's my punishment for being such a shitty human for the better part of my youth. 

And yet, I watch people, people I love, people who weren't trying to get pregnant, having babies constantly and by accident. And I'll be 37 in two months. And I'm getting old and it's going to just get harder. 

I never even knew that I wanted children. But I fell pregnant by accident myself when I was 31. And I had a miscarriage. And I worried then, that there was something wrong with me. Before the miscarriage, after the shock of this unwanted pregnancy had settled, I started to see my life as a mother. It was beautiful. And then I was robbed of all the possibilities that it could lead to. And it was taken forever. 

I'll be empty forever.

Tears I cannot cry because no one can understand a loss that doesn't exist.

Oh, how my heart aches. 

If I had a wish

I wish I could duplicate myself physically, so that I could have the capacity to keep up with my mind. 

I don't know if it's a product of ADHD. There's just so much that I would like to do. However, there just aren't enough hours in a day.

I wish further, that I had had this grasp of who I am, and what I want, when I was younger. It may very well have brought forth a different result. I might not need to wish to duplicate myself  as I would have started on some of my desired projects many years ago. 

It is not like I was not ambitious in my youth. My exposure was limited and my resources even more so. I had a desire to be educated. But it just wasn't possible at the time. I often find myself wondering where that desire even came from. I attended a government school in a poverty stricken town, with other students whose parents too, were just trying to put food on the table at the end of the day. The majority of our teachers displayed little to no interest and the students mirrored their efforts. 

I recall being bored to tears in most of my classes. It was hard for me to focus if things needed to be repeated and if the lesson didn't move on at a reasonable pace. This in turn would result in me not listening at all, as I  would have found myself something else to become occupied with. Often, something no adult would approve of. My marks were average. My mother never seemed to care. At least that's how I perceived it. She'd often say that as long as I pass, or do better than the rest (if my marks were above average) then that was "good". The problem is, the average was pretty poor, so the bar was never set too high. And when I did do well, no one really seemed to notice. I was called the "smart" one. But that was it. I was never encouraged otherwise, or given any tools to expand my mind. So, as an inquisitive child and adolescent with too much time on my hands and nothing to direct or focus my attention on, I often found myself getting into situations that, well, that kids should not be getting into...

Anyway. If I knew better. If I had been guided by someone. Maybe, things would have been different now.

That being said, I am quiet happy where I am now. I took the scenic route but I found my soul mate and if I'd done anything different in my life I might not have. And I am aware that the concept of a "soul mate" is flawed... fantastical. But I have had the misfortune of getting into relationships with other people and then just meeting, literally, everyone else that I've met. And yes, I can say with certainty, no one is a better fit for me. 

So this brings me back to my first wish, which appears to be more convenient for my current circumstances, than the second alternative to it. So I must make a point of remembering this, should I ever happen upon a genie. I wish for the power to duplicate, my duplicates to act independently and as one simultaneously, and to be able to recall my duplicates back into myself, to combine my collective achievements. 

I think it's a good wish :)