I've had to fork out a lot of cash for medical bills these past 3 months. So much so, that doing the necessary bloodwork to check if my hormones are imbalanced (to see if this is why I'm unable to ovulate) is too costly. I've had multiple tests, scans and bloodwork done. It's set me back quite a bit and finding out that I have a hormone imbalance would require treatment. The tests to find this out and the treatment would be unaffordable right now. Never mind the cost of being pregnant or having a child.
So I wait? I wait. 40 is around the corner. I still want to feel angry because if anyone should be allowed to pro-create, it should be my husband and I. We're both intelligent humans and I believe we'd raise our children to become valuable members of society. It's a little upsetting to see people falling pregnant by accident and it's very upsetting to hear people say to me "don't have kids, trust me, you're better off" when they already have them. They think they're trying to comfort me. They're not.
Our sex life is pretty bleak at the moment too. Notwithstanding the fact that I've just been too busy with exams and work, my husband has been experiencing difficulty. It's been coming for some time and where I've mentioned it before, it's been received as a sore topic. More recently, with the discovery of my infertility and me having a bit of an emotional breakdown about it, my husband seemed to be more open to discussing his issue, and he even went to the doctor to get treatment. Therefore, I think we should get my exams out of the way, and then we can work on getting our sex life back on track first. If we get that right, then maybe we can look at doing more tests so that I can get treatment. No point in paying for all that if we're not having sex anyway...
I'm not going to set my heart on being a mother anymore. It's hard to type that. My heart is still sore. But I have my husband who I love with all my heart. If I have him, I'll have everything I need. And maybe, one day we can consider adopting. There are too many children out there who have no one.
We'll see how this story unfolds.
